Mother of the Year

I'll admit it, I'm not winning mother of the year. My kids are used to getting their clothes out of the clean clothes basket in the laundry room, my daughter says I rest too much, and I L-O-V-E when the kids are all in school and I am all alone. And there are many, many, many other reasons that I don't dare share here. You never know when social services might decide to read a random blog. Okay, I'm not that bad...I hope.

It's just at times I feel very inadequate as a mom, especially for Aleq right now. I feel very lucky and blessed that my kids are safe and healthy for today. But every day is a struggle for Aleq right now.

We thought we had found the right mixture of meds to help with his mood disorder and ADHD. He was doing really well.  But every few weeks we have to mess with the dosage just to get it right. We are now at the very highest dose that we dare go and it seems to be on the down slope. He and his teacher report that he is having a very hard time at school with talking, wiggling, walking around,  not finishing work, etc. That might be managed. But he is beginning to get very angry. Just in the evenings at home, thank goodness.

For instance, if his siblings won't do exactly as he wants, he bugs and teases them mercilessly. When I step in he yells at me with an excuse and then starts to sob and walks away and won't talk. When I do try to talk to him, he just shakes his head and turns away from me. This can last for an hour or longer.

True, he isn't hurting people, he isn't violent, it is even calm in our house if he is sulking. But it's soooo not Aleq and it breaks my heart to see him like this. He is miserable, and we are walking on egg shells and the Spirit of The Lord can't be in our home at these times.

The other night he had another melt down and I let him be alone for a few and then got the lotion and offered to rub his feet. Truth be told I forced him to let me. It was unbelievable. Within 15-20 seconds it was like the anger drained out of him. His whole body relaxed and his eye lids got heavy. I kept massaging for another few minutes and then our evening went well after that.

Good mothering moment.

Yesterday was a repeat performance. He was teasing his sister and then when I told him to stop, he started to yell at me and I could see the anger coming. I told him that it is never okay to yell at me and took away his touch pad. I then ignored him as he came up with every excuse he could for why he HAD to yell. This was all happening as I was putting together my steamer and cleaning the bathroom so I admit I was not in the best mood.

After ignoring his constant badgering for a while (I cleaned the toilet, sink, floor and walls so it was a while) I totally lost control. Luckily my voice was effected by the stroke so yelling is impossible, but he got the idea. I told him that he had to learn to control his anger and show respect for people and that not everybody would stand for his behavior. As I was "yelling" this, the irony of the situation was not lost on me. It's like spanking a child for hitting their friend. It's all true but the delivery was terrible.

Bad mothering moment.

Last night I was thinking of what a terrible world we live in.  Kids are not always happy or safe. Both external and internal influences are constantly threatening them. Their home should be a haven of peace.  They should feel happy, safe, and loved there. Not criticized or ashamed.

Like I said, bad mothering moment.

So I called him to me and apologized.  I told him that I was wrong for not respecting him and that I not only loved him but I liked him. I said that we would never stop trying to figure out his pills but that we loved him no matter what-pill or no pill. He was our sweet boy. Forever.

Not mother of the year but my boy hugged me and that's much better.

Prompted

Today in church, part of the lesson was on faith and how to build or find it. My heart started pounding, I started shaking a bit (probably not visible, but I sure felt it), felt all warm, and before I knew it my hand was up. I kinda thought, what in the world? Get back down here, hand! But it was too late, I was wearing a bright red sweater and raising my hand. Who could miss that?   Some times when the Spirit wants me to talk, I find it very tough to resist.
After my stroke, it took me well over a year before I could ditch the wheelchair. It didn't just happen suddenly. At first, I had to work on just rolling over. Then there was getting the core strength to sit on my own. One therapist would sit behind me while another would gently (or not so gently) push me from side to side while I tried to maintain my position. Once I got that, I was far from walking! I remember getting on the treadmill, being put into a harness that was hooked to the ceiling, having one therapist on each leg and one on my hips, and just getting the feel of walking. There was strength training, assisted walking and work, work, work! I was both physically and emotionally exhausted every night. I would often complain to Robert, my mom, and my therapists that it was too hard and I would never be able to walk again. At these times everybody had such positive things to say and they were so supportive. Eventually, I started walking on my own (a bit awkwardly) and the hard work seemed worth it.
In Sunday School I likened this to my faith. It is something I have to work and fight for. At times I feel discouraged and that is when I need encouragement and a whole lot of love. It's very hard at times. But every time I exercise my faith, especially in what may seem small situations, my faith gets stronger and stronger and it will always be a part of me. In the end I hope to reach my goal of living with God and it will all seem worth it.
It's not as if I had thought of this before. The Spirit put it together for me and I just had to say it. I both love and hate when that happens!!

Be Mine

Today is Valentines day so let me start off by saying how much I LOVE my family!! They so totally rock! They are so accepting of one another and especially of me. They never let me take things too seriously and seem to always know when I need a laugh. And they tell me often how much they love me and that, "You're the best mom in the world."  Admittedly, they say this most often when there are cookies involved, but still.
I have heard from a couple of different sources that 90% of marriages don't make it after a brain injury. Sad. Understandable (I am the neediest person I know) but sad. But Robert is a saint. I can never repay what he has done for this family. I try to show him and tell him every day how much I love him. He makes me laugh, makes me truly happy, and even brings me breakfast in bed a lot. He often asks, "What do you need to make this day special?" I mean seriously, how sweet is that? I'm glad he is my forever Valentine.
Now, a totally different subject, but I so want to remember this.
The other day, Jain (5), said, "It's time for you to let go and let me dress myself. You need to let me grow up." Um, okay. A few minutes later she came in my room to ask if I could help her pick out clothes. After picking an outfit, she took one look in the mirror and pronounced, "It's not me."  ???????!!!!!!!
Today I had a cut on my ear and I guess it started bleeding. She, very gravely, said, "Mom, you have an owie.  If you turn into a zombie, I'm kicking you out." I have been warned.
Happy Valentines Day!

Listen

Some of my favorite times are when I get to just be quiet and listen. My favorite thing to listen to? My kids, of course. Right now Tommy and Jain are playing some game involving lava, portals, and a store.

The other evening Jain and I were lying on my bed while she put lotion on my arms. This sounds sweet but really it's her way of getting me to do it to her legs, arms and back. She knows how to get what she wants. And she uses A LOT of lotion so I'm glad to rub in the excess to her tootsies. While she massages my arms, she just chats. No breaks, no interruptions, but a whole lot of gasps and hair swinging. This is what I heard this time:

"Can you help me find a husband who is nice and kind and I like his face? I want to get married in the Temple because I want to stick together forever. Will you come to my wedding? I will have two boys named Reagan and Tommy (just like we have a boy Tommy in our family) and a girl named uh...Angeela. I need a girl to hang out with and do girl stuff with. Then you will be sad because you have no kids. You will talk in church and I will come hear you."

Sounds okay to me, especially helping to pick her husband. That will most likely change, I know. It didn't work out so well on Shrek II when Fiona's dad tried that.

Another favorite thing to listen to? My sweet husband telling me all about his day, his work buddies, what the boys said in their bedtime prayers, etc. But last night he decided to tell me all this -mixed with (to him) hilarious jokes and some late night deep thoughts- after we had turned out the lights and I was on the brink of sleep. Finally after midnight I burst out laughing and told him to please go to sleep.

So I guess my liking to listen has it's limits.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

I was recently at dinner with family that I sadly, rarely see. Aleq happened to say something about his strokey mom and I laughed and rolled my eyes. Roberts sister-in-law was a little startled and asked, "So you are at a point where you can laugh about it?"

It got me thinking that not everyone would think my humor is appropriate. Honestly, there is NOTHING funny about a stroke. Brain damage is no laughing matter and the effects of the stroke have devastated and altered my life and the lives of my family, friends, and people I have never even met.

It's not funny that I can't go out of my home when it is snowy or windy or even too cold. It's not funny that I can never sing again. It's not funny that I can't volunteer in my children's classes for parties. It's not funny that Robert still gets anxiety about getting the mail every day and receiving more and more medical bills. And that is not even scratching the surface of what isn't funny.

However, since I was little my family has used humor to get us through some pretty sad times. It lightens the mood when it threatens to smother us, and has allowed us to feel that there can still be happiness in dismal situations and that we can and will triumph over terrible things.

When I first had my stroke, nobody even smiled for days. There were many tears and frowns and frankly, it terrified me. Every long face might mean bad news and more sadness that (founded or not) I felt responsible for.

A few days after the stroke, I started counting in my head, how long it had been since Robert and I had been intimate. I don't know why but it seemed important. I then signed the total number of weeks to Robert. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that we were not alone and my mom got all my info, too. She and Robert both burst out laughing and he commented that his mother-in-law was the last person he wanted knowing about our sex life.

From then on it was okay to laugh again. It was almost like that first breath after being under water for too long.

For me, humor reduces the power that the stroke has over me. It makes situations seem less big and scary. It helps my children see that my strokiness is not something to fear or that defines me. We laugh and then move on. I find that with grown ups as well as children, laughter can bring normality to a strange and uncomfortable situation.

Once when I was attempting something in therapy, and failing for about the hundred and second time, I sighed, rolled my eyes, and laughed. My therapist, Tim, asked, "Do you think this is funny?" I replied that I can either laugh or cry, take your pick.

Sometimes it is that simple. Either laugh or cry. MOST of the time I choose to laugh.

13

The Holidays are nearly over. I am always a little sad to see them go because I love Christmas so much. But every year I resolve to keep the spirit of Christmas with me all year. That and the extra candy weight.
Heaven knows that the last couple of months have been really lame around here. Three major surgeries, Robert gone for a week and all of us have been really, really sick. Super fun. But, yet again, we have been taken care of.
Our ward has been astounding. We have had meals brought in, our house cleaned, our kids taken to play and just the overall sense of charity. On Christmas Eve, the young Women stopped over and, much like a reverse tornado, blew through the house making it sparkle and smell so good. They wrapped a few presents and even disinfected light switches and door knobs. Wow.
Two Sundays ago we needed a prescription picked up but both Robert and I were too sick to go, so Robert texted his dad who left church and picked it up for us. He dropped off the prescription, got a look at us, and went back to the church to get Roberts mom. They came over, brought soup, cleaned up the dishes and took our kids with them to their house. What a blessing they are.
But now we are on the mend. I wish I could say I was back to cooking dinners and cleaning. But I must be honest and admit that our whole family has been lazy this week. The table is a Lego workshop I have not even cared. The only person cleaning has been Jain who keeps her play room immaculate. She is just trying to make the rest of us feel bad.
Now to switch gears. Yesterday was my wedding anniversary. 13 years. It may not be so long in time, but in content...we have been married for 100 years! I still count down until he gets home from work and love his days off. Often he is downstairs with the boys while Jain and I are upstairs but just knowing that he is in the house makes me content. This morning in church, the speaker said something that reminded me of a line from the movie Toy Story. I laughed silently and turned to my side before I realized that he was in another ward. We just have so many little jokes and connections that I definitely feel it when he is not there. There have been sad times, especially the last few years, but we cling to each other and no one can make me laugh through the tears like he can. I love that man fiercely and he has my heart and soul. How did I ever get so lucky?!
But do not think he is always perfect. He sometimes sings and dances for me and he would never make it on Broadway. He chose my user name for Words With Friends and he chose Jodikat. ??? At times he says he is a bull and uses his head to push me onto the couch for snuggles. See? Not perfect or even normal.
I love you, Robert, and I feel blessed to be with you FOREVER!!

She Is Back!!!

My mom is back from her mission! She has been gone for 18 long months. Of course it was made easier with many, many phone calls. Still, it was lame! But I really feel that we were both blessed for her service.
I have not written specifically about my mom because where would I even start? She has done so much for my family and me that I could never write everything. Seriously, I could write for days and not get it all. So, for now, I will at least write about  some of what she did for me in the hospital.
My dad had passed away on Christmas day of 2006. During the following 11 months she sold their home, took over the finances and built a smaller but still beautiful new home. The pain of losing my dad was still very fresh and raw but she was doing her best to keep going, probably counting the days until she and my dad are reunited.
When I had my stroke, her mama bear instinct kicked in and she spent all day, every day at the hospital, and made the hour + drive home every night.  At first we were all living from moment to moment so we didn't imagine how long my stay there would be. Within a few days, though, she decided that new arrangements needed to be made, so she left her brand new house to collect dust while she moved into the guest house by the hospital. Every single morning at 8 she would show up and stay until 5 ish when Robert would come. Keep in mind that I could not talk at all and could not even move. While I was in the ICU and then on Neuro Acute floor, she would sit next to my bed, learn the sign language alphabet, tell me stories about the outside world and read to me. We probably read every book ever sold at Deseret Book. She read for hours and hours every day. She was also an expert at bathing me, and other basic care. Lets just say no mother should ever do for a grown child the things she did for me.
When I moved to Rehab wing (5 years ago today) she was right along with me. Still, every day. She went to therapy right along with me and at times, pushed me harder than my own therapists did! When I had a small break between sessions, she would pull out the yummy smelling oil and massage my feet and legs. Ahhh. As it was around Christmas, many of my friends brought small decorations. I still use the decorations and they still bring tears to my good eye when I put them up. However, I wanted nothing to do with it that particular year. I did not want to be reminded of the time of year or what I was missing, so she would take every little gift out of my room and save it for later.
She got to be good friends with all my Therapists, Doctors, Nurses, CNA's, Psychologists, and every time we took a walk around the huge campus, she would be greeted by numerous people. It was like I was with a celebrity!
She did things for me like showers, suctioning my trach, cleaning incisions, etc.
Once in therapy, I bent over, and immediately got violently ill. Every time the nurses would put anything in my feeding tube I would be near tears and beg them to stop. Not even strong pain medication would help. My mom told the staff that she would NOT leave that night, and "slept" in the chair next to my room. The next morning, Dr. McLaughlin came in to check on me (a wonderful, wonderful guy) and she felt impressed to tell him that she thought my feeding tube had come out of place. He said she may just have figured it out and ordered an X ray. Sure enough, it was out. So they took me in for surgery, accidentally put the new one in my lung, took me in for another surgery where they made about a 4 inch incision, and then they had to do another procedure to place a tube in my back to drain out all the building infection from putting food and meds through my body where they should not be. Had she not paid attention to her promptings and we had waited even one more day before finding the problem...well it could have been terrible.
During all this, I spent about 3 weeks in IMCU, one step down from ICU. Talk about boring! Not a thing to do but watch talk shows and read books and chat. Chatting was really fun since I was finger spelling everything.
Every day the Physical Therapists would come by. Even in IMCU I still had to work. Once I totally embarrassed my poor mother when everybody was trying to get me to take a much dreaded walk. I turned to the PT and flipped her off. Now, I am not a swearing person, especially not in front of my mom, but my vigorous head shakes and pleading eyes just were not cutting it. My poor mom, I thought she would die right where she stood.
Another time in IMCU, the therapists wanted me to sit up in a chair for a while. Again I vigorously shook my head and kept signing no, no, no, to my mom. Nobody paid any attention and put me in the chair anyway. They then all left the room to visit with other victims patients. Only a few minutes went by before my blood pressure plummeted. I later learned that it was 14/40. I was crashing. My ever present mom ran out into the hall and yelled for help. There were suddenly so many people in the room, pushing so many buttons, putting things in nearly every tube sticking out of me, just chaos. If my mom was not there...
I finally returned to Rehab and again, she was there every day. After much too long, my Dr.s were ready to let me go. I was far from ready to go home, but there was nothing more they could do for me. I had not even thought this through and I guess I figured I would be able to walk out of the hospital and just pick up where I left off. Isn't denial great?
When the Dr. asked me where I would go after leaving, I just looked at him thinking, "Am I not going home?" My mom answered without even seeming to consider at all, "She can live with me."
So before I was released she had grab bars put up, ordered a shower bench, took off doors, rearranged furniture, made sure I had home health and rehab, learned how to take apart/put together my wheelchair, was trained on my medications and how to handle my feeding tube, and many, many other things.
When I left, I think the staff was more sad to see her go than they were to see me go! Whenever I talk to anyone from there, they always want updates on my mom. She is beloved by every person there. But she is my mom so I get to love her the most. And I do!