Friday, June 7, 2013


As I said before, I am often asked what signs I exhibited both during and after being abused. I exhibited some of the classic signs but some were specific to only me. Every person is so different and reactions are different. Again, I can only speak for myself and my experiences.
When he first started, it only makes sense that I would just stop going over there. However, that would have been a huge red flag and people would have started asking questions, so I didn't dare. That would have been one sign no one could ignore but I wasn't thinking clearly so I didn't do it.
Before the abuse started, I had an amazing memory. I would memorize whole books and often correct people if I heard a flaw. This really annoyed most people but whatever. My grades were always stellar and studying was totally foreign to me. If I needed an answer to something, I could just picture it on the page and read it as if the book were right in front of me.
When the abuse started, I started trying to forget whole segments of my days. If I didn't the memories  would stay with me always and I couldn't think, talk, sleep, eat, interact, etc. So It was necessary for me to put things in certain compartments and only access what I needed at the time. As a result, my memory took a hit. My brain didn't only forget some things so I started forgetting A LOT!!
At the same time my self worth was suffering. I felt that I was committing adultery so nothing I did really mattered. Unless I did some serious repenting, and that meant telling others what was happening, other accomplishments didn't mean a thing.  I was young and the fact that I was being abused honestly never occurred to me. I just felt that if he were doing these things,  even if I did nothing but sit silently and try to mentally take myself away, I don't know. But abuse never seemed to fit. Abuse was something that happened to smaller kids and I was 12/13. I was much too old.
As a combination of these things, my grades fell. I even failed math. That was a huge shock to my parents. I didn't really try most of the time and when I did, I found that the needed info was just gone. My grades didn't really recover until I quit school for a year at 19, moved to San Antonio, told my parents and others about the abuse, did the court stuff, and had lots of therapy. After that I got my very first 4.0 and my studies suddenly started coming more easily. You should see the difference before and after.
During the abuse I changed friends, preferring to hang out with people who I felt were less able or ready to judge me. My style of dress was different too. I didn't respect myself or my body and it showed. I remember leaving the house in one outfit, going into the school bathroom, changing into something different, and reversing the process after school.
Later, the boys I dated were...less than desirable. I dated a few good ones but I never felt that I could let them get too close or they would see how yucky I really was.
My behavior, especially at home, changed. My family felt that they were walking on eggshells around me. I would explode in a rage at even a perceived cross. I also started sleeping. A lot. Sleep was about the only real escape I had.
Luckily, when I got to high school, the abuse had stopped and to keep up appearances, I followed my brothers and ran/made class office. There I met some absolutely wonderful girls (I honestly believe they were heaven sent) who "rescued" me and steered me in a totally different direction than I had previously been heading.  They are still my friends today and I credit them with saving me! THANKS!!
There were probably many signs that others could talk about, but my boys are nearly home from school and its play time ;)

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