Timing

If there is any lesson this whole process of recovery, it would be patience. Unfortunately, I am still learning that. But the brain does not heal quickly. At all. It has been over 6 years and things are still changing. Just yesterday I woke up with a migraine. Not a huge deal since I have had them...I don't know...I remember going to the school nurses office with one in the first grade. But since the stroke I have not felt the pain. I have had the aura, upset stomach and sinus pressure, but no pain in the head. I just take a couple of Advil and I'm fine. Sadly, I could actually feel the pain yesterday. It wasn't as bad as it used to be but still. It was one of the few perks of the stroke. Also, this week my face has been doing a lot of twitching. I was told that the nerve transplant would take years to finish healing and I guess that is right. Oddly one particular muscle twitches whenever I hear a loud noise. Weird, huh?
Having things still change has really made me start, or continue, thinking. There have been so many times when I can see the Lord's hand in my life, especially when I look back. One of the greatest miracles was the timing of the stroke itself. Any sooner or later would have been disastrous. For example:


Robert and I had nearly 8 years of marriage before the stroke. We had had some hard things but in general, our lives were easy. I think it allowed us more time to really fall in love. I loved him when we got married but we were allowed the time to grow so deeply in love that when we were really tested, being apart was not really an option. At least for him as I wonder all the time why he puts up with me.


I had a few years to really show how much I loved my boys before just being gone. It was a very hard thing, for all of us, to be apart, but with a lot of help and blessings, we were able to weather the storm.


My dad had passed away only 9 months before my stroke. It was a terrible shock and I was really sad. However, it allowed my  mom to have a lot of free time and a vacant house. She was able to temporarily move to Salt Lake to be with me every day and then have me live in her home for over a year after. She freely admits that she never could have devoted herself to my healing otherwise. But just as importantly, I have an advocate for me on the other side. I feel that my dad has worked night and day on my behalf.


Robert's parents were on two missions in the years before my stroke. Had they still been gone, they never could have done what they did. They moved from their home, five hours away, and only went home every other weekend. They lived at our house for nearly two years!! They cleaned, did laundry, cooked, finished a lot of the basement, and did all that was needed to keep the house going. But even more, they played, loved, cried with, and really took care of my boys and their hearts.


Had the stroke hit even a few weeks earlier, Jain would have died.


Today I took the boys to school, went to Hobby Lobby, finished putting together Aleq's project on Arizona, took it to him, cleaned the kitchen, did glitter tattoos with Jain, and took a second nap for the day. It was a decently busy day and I was able to drive and have the stamina to do what was needed. It will only get more demanding as they get older and I am able to do what needs to be done. Absolutely no more than needed most days.  I'm just happy my stroke was when my kids were small enough to not be busy.


There are many other reasons why the timing was perfect. Okay, not perfect in my eyes, That would be the stroke happening NEVER! But you get the idea.


Our family is actually very blessed and Heavenly Father knows us and is taking good care of us.

Emotions

I cry. A lot. I have been told that is because of the stroke and it is just one of the many new things to get used to. I cry at random commercials (thanks cheerios) or when my kids do something I think is genius, or when I almost fall, or when I breathe. Yeah, it's often.
I also feel other things more easily.  If I am on the phone and Robert whispers his input, I get all flustered and can't pay attention to either party. I get very impatient especially with my kids and especially when I am tired. I get more anxious about things such as sporting events or my kids trying something new.
Taking an antidepressant helps but only some. The rest is up to me. I talk to myself a lot. "Take deep breaths. It isn't appropriate to burst into tears over this, or here" (school programs) or "Robert is just trying to help. Hold up the INDEX finger as a sign for him to wait" and "What is the absolute worst case scenario and does this really matter in the scheme of things?"
As for the impatience, I have to really watch my sleeping and eating. Even then it gets hard. In the middle of a sentence I will have to change my tone or wording. I remind myself that I only have ____ minutes until bedtime. Mine, not theirs. I take some mommy time outs. But even after all that I sometimes sigh or snap. My kids call this "Talking Tired" and at times they just say, "Mom, go to bed." This mostly reminds me to calm down and we all bust out laughing. Or I cry.