Mother of the Year

I'll admit it, I'm not winning mother of the year. My kids are used to getting their clothes out of the clean clothes basket in the laundry room, my daughter says I rest too much, and I L-O-V-E when the kids are all in school and I am all alone. And there are many, many, many other reasons that I don't dare share here. You never know when social services might decide to read a random blog. Okay, I'm not that bad...I hope.

It's just at times I feel very inadequate as a mom, especially for Aleq right now. I feel very lucky and blessed that my kids are safe and healthy for today. But every day is a struggle for Aleq right now.

We thought we had found the right mixture of meds to help with his mood disorder and ADHD. He was doing really well.  But every few weeks we have to mess with the dosage just to get it right. We are now at the very highest dose that we dare go and it seems to be on the down slope. He and his teacher report that he is having a very hard time at school with talking, wiggling, walking around,  not finishing work, etc. That might be managed. But he is beginning to get very angry. Just in the evenings at home, thank goodness.

For instance, if his siblings won't do exactly as he wants, he bugs and teases them mercilessly. When I step in he yells at me with an excuse and then starts to sob and walks away and won't talk. When I do try to talk to him, he just shakes his head and turns away from me. This can last for an hour or longer.

True, he isn't hurting people, he isn't violent, it is even calm in our house if he is sulking. But it's soooo not Aleq and it breaks my heart to see him like this. He is miserable, and we are walking on egg shells and the Spirit of The Lord can't be in our home at these times.

The other night he had another melt down and I let him be alone for a few and then got the lotion and offered to rub his feet. Truth be told I forced him to let me. It was unbelievable. Within 15-20 seconds it was like the anger drained out of him. His whole body relaxed and his eye lids got heavy. I kept massaging for another few minutes and then our evening went well after that.

Good mothering moment.

Yesterday was a repeat performance. He was teasing his sister and then when I told him to stop, he started to yell at me and I could see the anger coming. I told him that it is never okay to yell at me and took away his touch pad. I then ignored him as he came up with every excuse he could for why he HAD to yell. This was all happening as I was putting together my steamer and cleaning the bathroom so I admit I was not in the best mood.

After ignoring his constant badgering for a while (I cleaned the toilet, sink, floor and walls so it was a while) I totally lost control. Luckily my voice was effected by the stroke so yelling is impossible, but he got the idea. I told him that he had to learn to control his anger and show respect for people and that not everybody would stand for his behavior. As I was "yelling" this, the irony of the situation was not lost on me. It's like spanking a child for hitting their friend. It's all true but the delivery was terrible.

Bad mothering moment.

Last night I was thinking of what a terrible world we live in.  Kids are not always happy or safe. Both external and internal influences are constantly threatening them. Their home should be a haven of peace.  They should feel happy, safe, and loved there. Not criticized or ashamed.

Like I said, bad mothering moment.

So I called him to me and apologized.  I told him that I was wrong for not respecting him and that I not only loved him but I liked him. I said that we would never stop trying to figure out his pills but that we loved him no matter what-pill or no pill. He was our sweet boy. Forever.

Not mother of the year but my boy hugged me and that's much better.