"If an individual makes you viscerally uncomfortable, there is probably a legitimate reason and you should pay attention to that feeling." --John Douglas, former FBI agentIf something feels wrong, trust your feelings, The Holy Ghost, your 6th sense, whatever you choose to call it. It is better to hurt feelings and be safe rather than be "nice" at the expense of your child. And teach them to trust their feelings as well, and let them know that they are more important than neighbors, friends, or even family.
Yesterday, Jain asked me when I would get a bike. Before I could even answer, she said; "When you get to Heaven you can buy a bike." I told her that I loved that idea. Even at 5 she understands that my strokiness is only temporary.
As we were bringing in groceries, I asked Aleq what I would ever do without him. He thought for a second and then replied, "Without us you wouldn't be strokey." That just about broke my heart. I smiled and said, "Without you I wouldn't be happy!" He got a big grin on his face, nodded, and walked into the house.
That is a huge fear of mine, that my kids, especially Jain, will feel somehow responsible. I feel strongly that this was MY body that freaked out. I worry about the burden they now have and trials that may come their way because of this. But not one of us is responsible for it . It is honestly such a small price to pay for having my children forever and I would do it all over in a heartbeat.
In quiet times, I feel blessed to have this trial. I know there are heartbreaks that I could not handle. I marvel at the strength of others who not only endure but endure well. Oh, I know that in private moments, there isn't a person alive who does not doubt their ability to endure, let alone endure well, but I have seen such strength in those around me that I am seriously in awe.
I laughingly say about some that ,"I want to be them when I grow up." I do and I don't. I want their strength but I don't want to earn it. How covetous is that?