Broken

It has been too long since I have posted, I know, but I have a good excuse. I won't say who, exactly, because I don't want to hurt Jain's feelings, but someone knocked my computer off my table and it broke. Usually this would be no big deal in a home with Robert, but one of our other computers was broken, Aleq's touch pad is broken, and Roberts computer is mostly used for his work and runs on some obscure system that I was not willing to learn. So I had to wait for him to hook up my computer to the other broken computer and use the good halves from each to make one whole. Thank goodness for my Robert.

So I need to catch up a bit. But I don't want to. We will just say that our lives are boring and calm. I like that.

Instead, I will just write a few random things that have been said or done for us.

1.  Last week, Tommy and I snuggled for a few minutes before school. Really I just sat down and as usual, he worked his way up close to me. He is very snugly and and, without us realizing what is happening, he often maneuvers on to our laps, spoons us after crawling in our bed, or secures a spot next to us in a chair. I love it. Anyway, as we were snuggling, he told me that he had a dream in which I ran. "You ran and ran and were really fast. Then at the end you fell." This dream was really sweet but it broke my heart. My son dreams of having me run but he knows it is only fantasy.

2.  A few days ago I received a beautiful email from my friend, Jodi. She and I are members of a exclusive club that I wish no person would ever have to join. See Life Under Construction on Blogs I Love. In It she told me about a few of her struggles and guilt and said that she was thankful that we could understand one another. I sure would not wish sadness on anyone but I am so grateful that we know each other. She and I used to work together and she knows my mom, Wendy, and brother,  Matt.  She used to visit me when I lived with my mom and then when she got her awful diagnosis (brain tumor) we began to share things that others never should, like wheelchairs, a hospital, therapist, tears, fears, excitement, and at times a listening ear with someone who "gets it". And of course a great name. We don't share any earth shattering revelations or anything, but we gather strength from one another and we have a bond that few people could ever share.  I love you, Jodi, and am sure that one day we will see why all of this has to happen. Maybe not today, though.

3.  On the flight home from California I sat next to a guy who had a 22 year old son who has Autism. We got chatting and he said that he often gets asked how he does it, how he continues. He answered the same thing I often feel,  "I have no choice. I do what I have to do. The Lord gives us challenges and it is up to us to not only just let them happen, but to fight every day to deal with them well."  He asked me if I were happy. I didn't even have to think because, yes, I am (and I was coming from Disneyland). I think that is a simple but powerful answer he gave. I was reminded again of Dori from FINDING NEMO. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, that's what we do, we swim. But this is not all that keeps me going...

4.  Last night I was watching an interview with a lady who was wounded and watched her 15 year old daughter be killed during the Trolley Square shooting spree. She said that she survived because she is a mom and her children needed her. That may seem silly to some but every mom can understand. For me, there is a very strong motivation to be a mom. For instance, right after my stroke I kept thinking how much Tommy loves waffles and needed me to make them for him. Robert could make some but I like to add things like bananas or pumpkin and I had never written down any recipes so I had to get well enough to cook again. It is small, yes, but things like that add up! Being a mom is my most important job and on many days that is all the motivation I need.

5.  I was talking to a lady at church whose son is in Kuwait and his wife and baby are living with her. The baby has a genetic problem and was born with numerous difficulties. He is requiring many surgeries and years of treatments but this will most likely be a life long struggle. She said that when she thinks of me she knows she can do it. This is so sweet. But I told her that her role as a caregiver and support to the mother were even more difficult at times than anything I go through. Watching someone you love suffer is just not something I think I could deal with. After my stroke I was able to lose myself in sleep, mindless TV, books, etc. But Robert said I was always on his mind. His work suffered, he lost his appetite, he couldn't sleep, he was just a walking Zombie. My point is that there are many ways to suffer. At times I get so self involved that I forget that and that is not okay. Especially at this time of year I need to say Thank You to the many people around me who are impacted by this and for their love and service. I would NEVER have come so far without The Lord blessing me to be surrounded by wonderful people/angels. They will never realize how much I love them.