Vacation and Growing The Basement

We just got back from a short trip to Arizona. Roberts mom (Nanny) was born and raised there and his dad (Papa) moved down there to live with his aunt. They ended up being in the same ward and it has been true love ever since. Nanny can't drive after dark and since his stroke, Papa can't drive at all so Robert volunteered to take them. The kids and I wanted to go along, and Robert assured me that it would be a 12 hour trip. Terrible, but after looking at the cost of flying 7 people for only a few days, it seemed acceptable. Um, yeah. We tried to avoid some construction in St. George and ended up taking back roads with construction of their own and many small towns. 16 hours. 16. Seven people in one car. Three kids, two in-laws, Robert and me. Again, 16 hours.

The night before our trip

He shaved his head after.

Sweet boy and his Papa

Mr. Aleq at Glen Canyon Dam

They thought this cactus was so cool for some reason

Of course, a pink horse

The next few days were wonderful, though. The weather was in the mid 90's, the hotel pool was beautiful with palm trees and shade, the Mexican food was delicious, and Nanny's brother even took us scorpion hunting/killing around his house. We did a whole lot of nothing and it was everything I thought it could be.
We even got to see the new Gilbert Temple which was unbelievably beautiful!
The trip back was ONLY 14 hours so it was a pure delight.
When we got back, there was a smell in our house that just smacked us in the face as we walked in. We could not place it. But then Aleq went downstairs to get P.J.'s and found the source. The city had turned on the irrigation water and it had been flowing into our house for...who knows how long. We tried watering the basement to see if it would grow, but no luck.  Disaster clean up came finally at 2:00 a.m. only to tell us it was too big for them that night and they would need more equipment and men. It is considered a contaminated water source so everything is a loss. Carpet and pad, doors, base boards, a bit of wall, furniture, many toys, nearly everything. They have to spray everything down with antimicrobial spray, dry it with big fans, and then replace it all. Luckily, most of Tommy's stuffed animals were on his bed, so all is well with him. So we cleaned out Jain's playroom and moved her toys into her room and the boys have makeshift beds in her bright pink playroom.  They love that.

my lovely basement

On Thursday morning, I fly out to San Diego for my nephew's wedding. No kids, Only me, the ocean, my very own room in a nice hotel, and a fun wedding with fun family around. Ahhhhhhh. I just have to keep that in mind as I deal with my STINKY and messy house.
And I survived driving to Arizona so this is nothing!

My Sweet Boy

I know it has been a long time since I posted and I may or may not catch up. Most likely not. I'm too lazy.  But I just had to write down what Tommy said tonight.
I had a banana that was getting old and so I made banana chocolate chip cookie dough to freesze. You never know when somebody might need fresh baked cookies and I like to be prepared. Okay, I never know when I might need some. Anyway, Tommy likes to lick the beater paddle, so keep in mind that he was eating the dough made by ME while talking.
We were discussing how strong his teacher is because her fiancé passed away this past December, yet she still is a happy and sweet teacher. I told him that Heavenly Father must know that she is strong. He asked if Heavenly Father knows when bad things will happen. I told him that, yes He does. For example, He knew I would have a stroke and He had the power to stop it from happening, but He knew that we were a strong family and we would get even stronger with hard times.
He then said, "He let you live so I'll just do whatever you're like. If you can't do some things, I'll just go with it. I don't care how you look, I just care that you are alive."
Seriously? How did I get so lucky?? I told him that was so sweet and it made me cry because I was so happy.

Happy Valentines Day!!

Yet another blessing. Jain got hurt at school on Thursday and her teacher called me to come and get her. It was nothing too serious. I was able to go get her and give her chocolate milk and snuggles. It is just these little things that would not even matter to most people, that make me realize, once again, how truly blessed I am. I was there to pick up my girl from school. I was there to pick up my girl from school.
I knew she must be hurt because she missed the Valentines day party at school. Sad little girl.

Wendy made her adorable outfit.

I'm actually quite proud of her hair. It took way too long and she was very patient with me.

I got to help in Tommy's class on Valentines. I haven't been able to do that-well-ever. For any of the kids. I really didn't do anything but bring ice cream but Tommy was totally excited for me to be there and it was fun to watch the kids.

He said he didn't work very hard because his imagination did it all. Some of the kids in his class were very hesitant while putting in their cards-They were a bit afraid that the monster would "get" them.

Does it get better than sweet little boys/friends?

I had a heart shaped pizza (Papa Murphey's), red V8, and pink and white donuts (Krispy Kreme) for our dinner. Yeah, I was lazy, but the kids thought it was cool.

On Saturday, Robert and I went for our romantic dinner. Okay, it can not be overly romantic at Red Iguana, but whatever.  The food is good. Plus, the 45 minute wait isn't so bad when the handicapped parking is directly in front of the door, so we just cracked the sun roof so we could hear, and watched an episode of The Simpsons while we waited. Could it get more romantic?

I had the sister missionaries over to lunch this last week and they shared this video with me. I loved it! I hope you do, too.
Courage

Roberts time

Wow!! It's been a crazy few weeks! But we are all safe and sound.
First, Roberts dad is much better. Or worse. It all depends on the moment. The stroke really messed up his vision and that is huge for him. He is able to see most things directly in front of him but it's as if someone drew a line down the middle of his eye and he can see nothing past that. It has made watching T.V. or driving, etc. impossible.  He has to go for an Angiogram later this month. His doctor said it was a relatively new and experimental procedure to put stents in the vessels at the base of his brain. Sounds familiar. It's the exact same procedure I had complete with all the paperwork indicating that it is purely experimental. The same one!! Seriously, what are the odds?  At least he knows that it can work.
His behavior is very much like mine was and Robert has been able to relate to what his mom is going through. Papa is very anxious and can't handle even small changes like the way Roberts mom chooses to drive home. His emotions, both good and bad, are right at the surface and he has little control over their appearances. I remember bursting in to tears while discussing medications with my doctor. Yep, Vitamin C and Plavix are super emotional subjects. He is having trouble taking in information and processing it and he has many "huh?" moments. For instance, he talks about walking into the bathroom and not knowing where the toilet was. don't worry, he remembered.
Even though the physical aspects vary, his emotions are so close to what mine were and in many situations, still are. Fear, anger, depression, denial, hopelessness, and more fear. Other emotions come and go but those were the most prominent, especially at first. Soon the acute stage ends and other emotions start coming, like determination, frustration, elation, joy...
After something like this, life is never the same. It just isn't. But soon the realization hits that life goes on and is wonderful.
I spoke to my rehab doctor, Steven Edgley,  just recently. He had a stroke 8 years before mine (so he was 28 ish) and told him that life can be wonderful after a stroke. He smiled and replied that it can be even better after a stroke. (I have a tremendous respect for that man for more than just his medical knowledge. He really is one of the elite, GREAT, men in this world.)
So, with this happening, Robert has been a little stressed. Here was his schedule during that first few days:
Thursday: drive to NV for a soccer tournament for Aleq
Saturday: while still in NV, he got a call from his mom that his dad was in the hospital. As soon as he was able, he made the 6 hour drive back and went straight to the hospital. He came home around midnight.
Sunday: He got up early and spent the whole day at the hospital.
Monday;  He took off work and helped bring his dad home.
Tuesday:  He got all of us dinner and spent a lot of the evening with his parents.
Wednesday: See Tuesday
Thursday: I had a friend who needed me so I left him to feed the kids and hang out all evening with them. He actually loves daddy nights but still.
Friday: We had play tickets but when he came home I was lying on the floor in SEVERE pain on my right side so up to the ER we went. More later but I got to come home late that night.
Saturday: His mom thought she was having a heart attack so he was back up at the ER. (Instead of calling 911, she called him. ???) Turns out it was pain in the muscles.
I finally broke down sobbing on Saturday.  He can't keep this up! I don't see things getting better with his parents (I love, love, love, them but I love him more so he comes first) and although some people think otherwise, I am faaaar from 100%. He can't take care of everybody. He needs help. Our neighbors and ward and even my family have been wonderful but even still, I'm afraid what will happen if he keeps up this pace. Maybe a week or two in Hawaii would be good.
Anyway, about my trip to the ER: Before we went I told Robert that it felt like something was exploding inside of me. Turns out I was right. It was an ovarian cyst rupturing.  Harmless but painful. But I had never had one so we were afraid it was my appendix.  But all is well.
Funny story. I started back on Ambien the other night and the first few nights are always interesting on that stuff. On the first night, I had a dream in which I was crawling across the bed. In actuality, I was right on the edge of it. You guessed it, I fell out. I woke up when I hit the ground. Nothing got hurt but my pride. When I told Jain, she said it was the funniest thing she had ever heard.  I kinda agree.

I read this last night and I totally loved it.

"But today as I stand before you and think back over that great march, I can say, as Sister Pollard said—a seventy-year-old Negro woman who lived in this community during the bus boycott—and one day, she was asked while walking if she didn’t want to ride. And when she answered, "No," the person said, "Well, aren’t you tired?" And with her ungrammatical profundity, she said, "My feets is tired, but my soul is rested." (Yes, sir. All right) And in a real sense this afternoon, we can say that our feet are tired, (Yes, sir) but our souls are rested."   Martin Luther King Jr.

I have to admire her quick thinking! And her spirit!!

Papa

Roberts dad had a stroke yesterday. It was mild but they said it could have been much worse if he had not come quickly to the hospital. He has lost much of his vision and that is causing him a lot of anxiety. He is thinking that he is no good if he can't see and that this is the beginning of the end.
 I sat my kids down and told them. I told them it was not like mine and that Papa was okay. But they heard the word STROKE and they knew it was serious. I had to also tell them that it was not okay to joke about. That is a big difference for them because we joke about mine all the time. Jain doesn't even think of it as a joke when she calls me her stroke mama. It's just who I am.
I have always used humor to deal with things. If something is too serious to joke about then it must be awful. Laughing helps me know that either things are okay or they soon will be. For a while after my family learned that I had been abused, nobody joked about it. For a bit after my stroke it was the same.
For Roberts dad and all of us around him, it's much too soon for laughter. It's too raw.
But, at least for me, there came a time when the seriousness became like a dark cloud around me. It was almost scary. But let me be clear, some wounds are too deep to ever be joked about. But few things can relieve tension or dark clouds like a good laugh.
1.  skip was my dentist and eventually lost his dental license. Now whenever someone in my family needs a dentist, someone always tells us that they know somebody who will work cheap.
2.  Once as my therapist was helping me use my walker, she said the word hospital. It reminded me of a line from the movie "Airplane!" and I jut stopped in the middle of the hall and shook with laughter. The others around me had no idea about what I was laughing but they started to laugh because I looked and sounded so funny.
3.  When I was in the hospital and unable to speak, I finger spelled the word twice  to my mom and niece, Kaitlyn. Neither one of them could get it and they kept saying twiky? It was frustrating but also hilarious!

So no, now may not be appropriate to laugh or joke, but soon we will laugh again. Right now, though, Roberts mom and dad are in that awful first stage of...I don't even know how to explain. Fear? Unknown? Shock? Denial? A sliver of hope that you don't dare really focus on? And seeing Robert hurting just takes my breath away. He was out of town when he heard and hearing him cry over the phone was heart breaking. I wanted to reach through the phone to hug him. Please pray for him. Pray for us all.

Strokes are not funny

Today I was chatting with my mother-in-law about the people in her life who have had strokes and it made me realize once more just how many loved ones are hurt by them. Let me reiterate again (that redundancy was for my dad, one of his favorites) that there is NOTHING funny about a stroke. It kills, disables, and at the very least, scares the hell out of people. Not in the least bit funny.
That said, there are times when a good laugh is exactly what I need. As I have mentioned before, there are times when I can either cry or laugh. Take your pick. I'm not going to lie. At times I cry. A lot of times I cry. Sometimes I want to cry but I am just too busy or tired. But mostly, I choose to laugh. I mean, some things are just so absurd or ridiculous or whatever, that I really have no choice but to laugh. For example:
My cousins daughter asked her mom why Jodi talks like this, and then skewed her mouth up and only used one side. She is 3. No malice, only curiosity. How can I not laugh at the image of that?
My other cousins, Amy, has a son who has Autism and we often talk about the fact that people treat her son or me as if we are either made of glass or are contagious. Yesterday, her baby wanted a taste of my drink. Amy got him his own saying that she did not want him to share with me because he might catch my strokiness.
I recently tried playing an Xbox Kinect game with my kids You can imagine how that went.
Jain hates when I sing to her. Bedtime is fine but that is all. So I HAVE to do it to bug her.
See? Some things are just funny. Sick maybe, but still funny.
But the stroke itself? Not funny at all.
Having his mom talking about strokes made Robert start talking about some "highlights" of his memories. For example:
I was on a lot of blood thinners. Seriously, my blood was probably thinner than water. After calling him late at night to tell him I had stopped breathing so they had to put in a trach, they called him again to tell him they could not stop the bleeding from the incision. No wonder he still doesn't sleep well.
When my first feeding tube popped out, I was really nauseated, but throwing up was a problem because it could go into my trach and because I could not cough, I could aspirate and get Pneumonia. The lady in my room kept talking about the food they were serving or what candy she should get. My mom had nicely explained that I was very sick and we were doing everything (even sniffing alcohol wipes) to avoid throwing up, but she seemed incapable of shutting up. So I did some interesting finger gestures. I don't remember this and luckily there was a curtain between us, but Robert and my mom saw it. He still calls me his sailor wife.
I also flipped off a therapist who wanted me to get out of bed around this same time. That one I do remember. I could not talk and I was dizzy and sick. I did stand for her and even sat in a chair as she requested. Then my BP dropped and I remember my mom yelling for help and nurses running in and quite a bit of excited activity until I was stable. I stand by that particular gesture.
He also remembers my super fun stay in IMCU. My feeding tube had popped out of place so all my meds and food were just going randomly into my body. When they tried to place it again, they put it in my lung so another surgery was needed to move it. Then I developed an infection throughout my whole body (results of meds and food going everywhere) and they had to place a drain in my back to help drain some infected fluids. Then my stomach shut down completely. Robert asked when it might start working again and was told, "probably never". Then my muscle started to contract from lack of use, and my toe started to point down like a Barbie. That never got better and required yet another surgery to fix it. Visitors were very restricted and absolutely no kids were allowed. I was bored out of my mind but too sick to remedy that. I could not write or talk and not any of the night nurses knew sign.That was the longest 3 weeks!! 
But the nurses there were some of the best! They were kind and gentle and treated me like an actual person, not just a silent patient. We had many "Conversations" in which I learned about families, girlfriends, illnesses, accidents, etc. I never uttered a word but I felt very close to those nurses.
After reminiscing about the good old days, I needed some serious snuggle time with my critters. That and some Candy Crush Saga. Cleared another level today.
And for today: MLK

I'm Famous

It has been a long time since my last post. Really no excuses, I haven't even been super busy, just tired. Every time I look at my computer I just feel exhausted. I have been like this for weeks, only wanting to do the necessary activities and then reading or playing Legos with the kids or even just watching TV with Robert. I am thinking that a. I'm lazy b. It's winter and I just want to stay home and be warm c. The stroke is still causing general fatigue or d. I'm lazy. It's probably a combo.
Anyway, Christmas was really fun. Being sick in November and having nothing to do all day but shop on the computer really made the season a lot less stressful. The kids were thrilled with what Santa brought and loved hanging out with all the cousins. Like Robert says, someone sneezes and my whole family gets together.
We got real with Aleq. He was not at all surprised (school) and seemed to relish being in the know and helping where we needed him. Our  motto around here is don't ask questions around Christmas. Things may come in the mail or wrapped gifts from Grandma may appear under the tree, but we always refrain from too many questions. Aleq was a big help with this and never let any of us forget it.
Our 14th anniversary was on the 29th. We celebrated on the 28th with dinner at our favorite restaurant, the ever so fancy Red Iguana, with out good friends, Scott and Karen. I think Scott and Karen take us along so they can get good parking. The Handicapped space is directly in front of the door so we can just wait in the car for our name to be called. Even with the car off it's still warmer than standing outside. And after 14 years, Robert and I not only still really love each other, but we actually LIKE each other. We are a team. We have whole conversations that are nothing but movie lines or inside jokes and totally understand each other. We can be at church or the store or whatever and hear something and both burst out laughing or roll our eyes or just nod to each other because we both thought of the same thing. I still count the hours until he comes home from work and I always feel just a little happier knowing he is here, even if we are in different rooms. I'm glad families can be together forever.
New Years was again spent with my family but because most of the kids are little, the party ended at about 9 and at midnight all 3 kids were asleep and Robert and I paused our movie just long enough to wish one another Happy New Year. We could hear the fireworks and noise makers but I was just hoping the kids stayed asleep. How old and lame are we?  
Now the kids are back in school, Robert is working regular hours, and the house is quiet for about 3 hours a day (1/2 day kindergarten) and though I love them all and like when they get home, this is my time and I sure like it!!
Lastly, just today I got an email from the National Stroke Association that they published my story. I'm famous. Okay, not all that famous. It is on the NSA website and I'm not even totally sure of where on there I could find it, I just have a link. But it's as famous as I'll ever get so I'm taking it. The picture on there is exceptionally bad because I was only looking at thumbnails. Now that it's bigger...I HATE IT. But whatever, I'm published. Kinda. http://www.stroke.org/site/News2?news_iv_ctrl=-1&id=17853