Aleq

I have resisted writing about this just out of the instinct to protect my boy, but there shouldn't really be a need to protect him, it's an illness like any other. Also, because this is my journal, I want to write down some of my feelings.

From the day he was born Aleq has been high maintenance. He cried A LOT and rarely slept more than an hour or two at a time. He was my first and I had no one with whom to compare him. At the time I was working for the National Center On Shaken Baby Syndrome so I was teaching others about normal infant crying and Aleq seemed to go right along with what I was teaching. But he didn't grow out of it. Unless I was right with him, giving my full attention, he would cry. During showers or if I even happened to leave his view, he would just scream and cry. But he was my boy with whom I was in love, so it was pretty rare that he didn't have my full attention.  And a more sweet and tender hearted boy was never born!

As he grew he was always "switched on high" and he just wore me out!  But I was soooo happy with him! Most of the time his energy or moods were absolutely darling and there was a lot of laughter in our home. Often, though, I felt that I just didn't have the energy to keep up with him.  I felt a little inadequate that I only had one child yet I couldn't keep up with him, my house (trying to sell it so it had to be clean), or my marriage the way I thought I should.

At times I would get exasperated and out of patience with him.  If I were thinking clearly I would take a mommy time out to catch my breath. Admittedly though, I didn't think clearly more often than not.  At these times I would just break down crying or even yell myself, which would often startle us both. I did have a great support system and Robert and I were never without help.  My sister, Wendy, who works with behavioral problems for Ogden City Schools, was a wonderful resource and had to endure numerous questions and many tearful phone calls.

When Tommy came along I remember thinking, "this is so easy!" But I just chalked it up to Aleq getting my personality and Tommy getting Robert's. This is true but there is more than just personalities at work here.

When he was in 1st grade we took him to our doctor to see about medication. We tried a few and they would work for a few weeks and then his behavior would be even worse than before. Finally towards the end of his 2nd grade year, we found a wonderful psychiatrist. At first she diagnosed him with ADHD. Again, the meds didn't really work. Then she thought Bipolar. However his symptoms didn't really match up well and he didn't seem to have the depressive periods.

Now he has an official diagnosis of "unknown mood disorder." Helpful, huh? We have found one medication that seems to be taking the edge off but nothing that is a wonder drug. His grades continue to be way above average but his over the top behavior makes being his teacher or parent a really tough job. And he is old enough and smart enough to get it and now tries to miss school or activities that he knows won't be fun, like school programs, field trips, some scouting activities etc.

That boy breaks my heart. I love him with my whole soul and I see what a soft hearted, kind, funny, and plain good boy he is. I want everyone to see the beauty I see in him.

I have said it before, do whatever to me. But leave my kids alone! Kids are too little, they should be exempt from all hardships. But they have the strong spirits. They are resilient and powerful. I have to believe that. Often, as those who love them, the trials may be for us to learn from.

I realize that our troubles are just a drop in the bucket compared to others. But he isn't others boy, he is mine and this is hard.