Friday, July 13, 2012

What keeps me going?

I am often asked, "What keeps you going?"  I'm not sure quite how to answer this question. There isn't just one thing but a combination of quite a few.

First is I HAD NO CHOICE. There were times, especially at first, when I felt like I was going to be a huge burden to everybody around me and it would be so much easier for all involved if I were just gone. But, as I have said before, I didn't even have control enough to die. I was fed through a tube that was controlled by others, I had oxygen being forced into my lungs, and every heartbeat or movement was monitored.

So maybe I couldn't die but I could be the least burden possible. I figured the best thing was for me to live in a place where they could meet my medical needs and I could just languish there. Robert could divorce me and marry a fun girl who would make him happy and love my kidlets. It might be sad but easier. My siblings and mom would be sad but get over it quickly.

So I called Robert and told him to just leave me. Then I hung up the phone and refused to accept any calls and even refused to talk when he called my moms phone. My mom was thoroughly disgusted with me all day but I figured on some resistance.

My room faced the elevators and right after 5 that evening, a huge bouquet of flowers with legs got off the elevator. Robert had left work early and brought me flowers. With tears in his eyes he said the kindest, most loving words ever.

"I love you. I can handle whatever I need to but DON'T YOU EVER LEAVE ME!"

That was exactly what I wanted and needed. After that I felt that since Robert was with me, I could do anything. And I wanted to be the best wife and mother I possibly could so he would never be burdened.

I may have tried before but now I had even more motivation. I had no intention of settling. My determination was set.  However, I continued to be scared, intimidated, frustrated, discouraged, and just plain tired.

But it seemed that with every obstacle Heavenly Father was right with me, giving me strength that I had never had before. He made sure I had the best therapists, Doctors, nurses, friends and family support. It was as if He said, "You may have had this stroke, but I am going to take care of you every step of the way. "

Fighting and working hard are what God wants me to do. After all that I have received I would be very ungrateful  if I didn't give my all. He has chosen to work through me to show some of His power. Lucky me, right? But seriously, lucky me.

No comments:

Post a Comment