My baby girl

Some people may wonder how my relationship with Ana Jain has been.  I (most likely) had my stroke as a result of my pregnancy and she was away from me for over a year.  It would be natural to have mixed emotions.
I never once blamed her. It was my body that had the reaction and looking back, it could have happened after any one of my pregnancies. She had no control over where she was "baked" and in fact, I have some guilt that I can't be the super mom she deserves. During those first dark days, I felt wretchedly sorry for doing this to my family. We were really happy and I felt that because I selfishly wanted a girl, all of us would pay a high price.
And want her, I did! I love, love, love my boys and can't even imagine a life without them in it,  but I have wanted a daughter since I was old enough to think of such things. I always looked at baby girl clothes, thought of girl names, imagined pink blankets and car seats, and thought about how I might do her hair and decorate her. When I found out I was having a girl, I was unreal happy! I wanted nothing blue to even come near her and even yellow was questionable.
When she was born it was like playing house. I loved to dress her up in pretty things and counted the days until her hair grew. Sadly, she was bald as bald could be.
On the morning of my stroke, I was up feeding her when I first started feeling dizzy and my original thought was to put her down before I dropped her!  I was thinking of her the whole time.
After my stroke Wendy was sweet enough to take Ana Jain. I still marvel at the happiness and love that whole family showed her. My world was chaos but hers was happiness and security.
During the time when I was living with my mom, Wendy, who lives right around the corner, would bring Jain over very, very often. I didn't yet have the muscle strength to hold her but I could lie on the floor beside her and talk to her.
When she was about 14 months old, Robert felt that he had better bring her home. The longer she was gone, the less likely she would be to ever be okay with such a change. So he took off as much work as he could and on Dec. 21, 2008. She came home. Wendy's family felt it greatly, as did Jain, but we were so blessed and her transition went as well as it could, given the circumstances.
When I finally returned she was already happy at home. She liked me, much as she would a familiar neighbor. But again, we both had The Holy Ghost with us and over a long time, our bond grew. I still remember the joy I felt the first time she ran to ME after getting hurt.
Today we love each other fiercely. I am reminded often, through hugs, smiles, looks, chats, and even her anger, that she loves me and is secure in my love for her.
I now realize that it's not at all a high price my family is paying. It is a very small price to pay for getting to have us all together forever. I love that we get to be a forever family!!!