This post is for my children. I want them to know that mommy had these feelings and I didn't catch on fire or anything.
When I first had the stroke there was a while when I was in denial. I figured I would be in the hopital for a few days, be in therapy for a few months and then be back to my old self by the year mark.Um, yeah. As my stay in the hospital became longer and my head got clearer, it slowly dawned on me that I might never be the same. Thats when the anger hit.
During the day I was too busy to feel much emotion and when some would threaten to come through, I got really good at pushing away any negative feelings. Occasionally something would break the wall and burst through, but I really tried to only feel the positive. Negativity brought me down as well as the people around me, and it certainly didn't help in therapy. It was just easier to pretend it away. And the people surrounding me really did make me happy!!
But at night, Robert left at 7 and the long process of getting ready for bed didn't start until 9ish so I had some time alone. Most nights I would watch mind numbing T.V. and forget the world but a lot of nights despair and anger would find me.
I was beginning to realize how drastically my life had changed. I didn't/don't like it. I was angry at Heavenly Father. I asked a lot of questions like, "Why" and "How could You?" I would ask but I wasn't really in any shape to hear any answers. I wouldn't yell for fear the nurses would hear, but I would think very loudly. And there were many, many tears shed.
On numerous occasions, right when I was at my lowest, one of the nurses would stop by. We had become very close over the months and they were a very welcome sight. Although I couldn't speak and most could not understand Sign Language, they were inspired to know what I was feeling. They would share with me their knowledge of God and His love for my family. They would share stories of others miraculous healing or their happiness despite their obstacles. But mostly they showed how much they cared for me and not just physically.
Although I was angry and harsh, God never left me. When I wouldn't listen or feel His spirit, He would touch the heart of another to show me His love. His spirit was with me every second of every day, even when I was at my weakest.
I know God lives. I know He loves His children and will never leave us. I am not a quick learner but I have been shown this too many times now to ever deny it. I still don't have all the answers to my questions but I realize that He does and for today, that is enough.